We have been marriage and family therapists working in the area of mental health for over 30 years. In 2005 we were invited by the Southeast Asia Children’s Project and the Pacific Links Foundation to teach a week of workshops at An Giang University, Vietnam. Hence, Vietnam and us has around 6 years relationship, i couls say.
One of the things that caught our most attention in Vietnam: pressure to pass the entrance exams to university of the youths.
All good parents have many hopes and dreams for their children. These dreams usually include wishes that their children have a better life. Having a University education is often seen as a way to this better life in Vietnam. This places a great deal of pressure on the child being successful on university entrance exams. For the very small percent of people who pass the exam there is the exhilaration of success but for the remaining majority there is disappointment and a sense of failure. For some of these students the sense of personal failure and failing their family’s expectations leads to depression and even suicide attempts. As we as parents consider what is success and a better life for our children it is important to think about what makes a good life. We would like to share some of the research from the United States that can help with this consideration.
It is important to remember that University exams measure a small percentage of what it takes to be a good person. They measure what is referred to as “traditional” intelligences. These most often include verbal skills, mathematical-logical abilities, and the student’s ability to store past knowledge from a variety of subjects. What is also tested, in an indirect manner, is the student’s ability to take the type of test being given. The lesson that we as parents can learn from this is that our child’s failure on one exam does not make them a failure as a human being.
When research has been conducted on what makes a successful leader, students with emotional intelligence have a better chance of surpassing those who score well on these traditional exams, and generally will be more successful in the long run. What this means is that when the emotionally intelligent are compared to their classmates who scored higher on these tests they have progressed further in their jobs. What is emotional intelligence? Basically it is the ability to manage one’s own emotions well and to understand and respond to others in a positive manner. The emotionally intelligent person is a good leader because they can understand the motivations of their coworkers and develop plans that will help their work group get the job done. They build a positive working environment with good problem solving skills.
Individuals with emotional intelligence usually have a well developed sense of their own self-worth and what they can contribute to society. Those lacking self-worth have greater difficulty dealing with differences of opinion and working with those who have alternate points of view because it threatens their self-worth. Each disagreement or possible failure becomes a life or death test of whether they are worthy or loveable. If children are loved and valued solely for their ability to perform in one very specific part of life they can become fragile and fearful of failure and this is a pattern that may be carried throughout life. It is difficult for them to see beyond success or failure on one life experience and have the ability to go beyond the experience of failure and find other solutions, to begin creative problem solving. Some researchers refer to this as resilience. Resilience is what gives us the ability to get through the hardships in life and be successful and rise above our challenges.
These characteristics are formed in a home environment where children learn they are respected for the many parts of themselves. This environment recognizes their unique strengths and helps them to enhance and utilize these strengths to build a successful life. They then have the confidence to know if their first plan does not work out there is always an alternative plan.
Another tool that assists the young person developing the ability to make good life choices, is listening to the success/failure stories of adults-including their parents. Sharing our successes and failures with youth provides teaching stories with the needed learning in a way that is heard and understood. If we tell youth no or give them long lectures about "success" for always, they tend to shut down and not listen. In these stories the adults can communicate the reality that not all decisions turn out well but a successful person has the abilty to reconsider the situation and develop another solution to the situation. This process also provides the child with an accumulation of choices that work and ones that do not work. These experiences of others can then become a part of their decision-making. Youth gain a collection of options without having to experience them for themselves. This will result in the ability to have a greater variety of choices than their own experiences can provide when making decisions and results in better outcomes
Every day as we interact with our children there are opportunities to let them know that we appreciate all that they are as human beings. We can recognize their success at school as well as their successes on the playing field, the success as a good friend, and their success as caring members of a family. Success as a team member, friend, and a caring member of a family requires a set of skills that can lead to success in a corporate environment, and in life in general. They learn to be emotionally intelligent. This builds their strength and the potential that they will be the successful human beings we want them to be.
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